Sick of Pricks...

It has literally been months since I have posted... I honestly have had it with diabetes!  This to many who have this disease is a day to day thought. lol I went to go see about FINALLY getting a pump (about two months ago) and insurance denied me (temporarily)  due to the lack of me checking my blood sugar regularly-I know, I know my bad.

I absolutely HATE checking my blood sugar.  The pricks hurt and sometimes it takes me a bit to actually click the button and purposely inflict temporary pain on my poor little fingers.  They are bruised, and have little ugly marks and calluses all over them.  Also I hate that if you don't get exactly enough blood on the strip-IT DOESNT WORK!  That's almost a $1 which doesn't seem like much but trust me, it adds up!   I work nights therefore they are never going to be somewhat at the same time... ever.  Okay so I will admit I have been a total slacker when it comes to checking my sugar and this is an appropriate "wake up call" that I needed probably a year ago.

(I did not take this picture, I simply found it online but I do LOVE IT)

So I play along and start checking my blood sugars CONSTANTLY and became obsessed which was good and bad... Along with constantly checking my blood came the constantly correcting it, followed by the constant bottoming out.  I would drop to at least 40 daily.

After the constant lows came the fear of bottoming out all the time which is now followed by the absolute highs which brings with them the ketones. GRRR.

I cannot win, this statement was true after days of being diagnosed with diabetes.  This is an unfair disease.  You follow the rules, play the game its way and get NO WHERE! Irritated, grumpy and flat pissed off is exactly how I feel daily which is probably partly due to the high sugars but high sugar or not, I AM MAD!   Well, I feel better now after getting all of that out. lol :) 

Explanations and Understandings

In the Summer of 2005 I was introduced to a little girl that changed my life forever, little miss Lydi was just one year old when my Aunt and Uncle adopted her from China.  I was 17 when we flew to China to get her.  Up until then I was the youngest grandchild on my mother's side of the family, I instantly fell in love with our little blessing counting down days until I would get to see her.

Lydi and I the first year we had her. 

A couple years later when I was in College my Aunt and Uncle adopted another little girl just over a year old from India named Samantha.  Sadly I was unable to go with them to get her but have adored her since the first day I met her in the Summer of 2008.

Sam when we first got her

The year I was diagnosed as a diabetic, I spend darn near the entire summer before staying with them.  As I have stated before that was probably one of the most amazing summer's of my life.  I was with a good guy that adored the girls as much as I did and had a best friend that even babysat my little cousins when I was out of town.  It truly seemed as if I had everything I could ever want in life but me being me was still not happy, I was a recent college graduate and did not get that "dream job" everyone counts on after graduation.  Instead I had three mediocre jobs that were not near my guy, best friend or girls.  By the end of the summer I let two of my jobs go and kept one full time job to make life a little easier.  What I loved most about that summer was the constant go.  My friends and I would go to the movies constantly (I LOVE GOING TO THE MOVIES!) Lydi played t-ball which my friends and I attended together, and even the guy I was with played baseball (which is also my favorite sport/summer past time) so the girls would go with me to his games, best summer ever... yes!  Fall came and I was still stuck in Medicine Lodge and as I stated before in my very first post, the guy I was with and I ended things right before my diagnoses.   You could say that great summer came to a very screeching halt!

My College Graduation Day!!

That fall and beginning of Winter were pretty much miserable, I was moody beyond belief, angry, sad, and literally sick.  I would still go visit the girls they were about the only thing I looked forward to anymore.  I still continued to remain friends with the guy ( I hate the words x it sounds so terrible...) I hadn't told him about the life changing day in November which really wasn't fair but his mom is a diabetic and I knew he would understand I just for some reason wanted to be perfect in his eyes, which I was far from lol I finally broke down and told him and he was super supportive, his mom even offered to talk with me about it, I was just still in some denial and just wanted it to go away.  I feel like I should explain what ended up happening to "us" long story short, we saw each other less and less and eventually he moved on as did I, I always thought we would remain friends but that is in a perfect world.  In reality we are no longer even facebook friends and I have to ask my aunt about him.  He is now married and happier than I could have ever made him.  I am thankful to have gotten to have him in my life as long as I did and will always cherish the friendship we had.  Do I think Diabetes ruined this relationship? lol No, pretty sure I managed to do that all on my own, granted the unknown moodiness couldn't help any situation let alone a relationship.

Us three at the park!

At first it was easy hiding my disease from Sam and Lydi, to them nothing seemed different than normal.  I remember one day I was with Lydia and she wanted to share a soda, she decided upon a coke which was not going to happen for me, so I bought her a coke and got myself a diet soda.  On the way home she kept asking me why I couldn't drink her drink.  I finally told her that regular soda has a lot of sugar in it and that my body is different than a lot of people's and can't have sugar.  I remember looking in the rearview mirror as her mouth dropped open saying "YOU CAN'T HAVE CANDY!?" It really was cute, I told her no that I have to watch very carefully what I eat.  Lydi is a very smart now almost 8yr old and asked tons of questions.  Sam never noticed much difference than I was "smaller" when she hugged me and not as "fluffy" when I would hold her.  That Spring we had a slumber party and stayed in a hotel together and that was the first time they saw me give myself a shot.  They made it seem "cool." Sam kept saying "I wanna see, move over" She asked me if I had to do that everyday and I told her yes, but just once a day.  (Which at that point it was)

My beautiful Girlies Easter Sunday!

That Summer Lydia turned 6 and had a pool party, my previous guy friend was invited and that was the last time I saw him.  I was angry with him and never spoke a word to him.  This was the weekend before I was to see my specialist and wanted so badly to talk to him about it, but as far as we both were concerned things ended long before this point.  That weekend as I stated in previous posts was my last "hoorah" which ended with me staying in Wichita, with extremely high blood sugars.  The only thing other than the hospital that would bring them down was fluids.  I could hardly get out of the bed and Lydia took great care of me, she kept bringing me bottled water and "checking on me" Literally one of the sweetest and smartest 7 year olds ever!

At Lydia's Pool Party

Now that I am on insulin and take multiple multiple shots a day the girls are used to it.  They even call me out when I am eating something bad, its kinda funny actually.  One day I was downstairs with them playing and could feel a low coming on I didn't want to scare them so I just slowly stood up and started up the stairs where all of my medicines were.  I started climbing them and got so light headed that I ended up crawling the rest of the way.  I had a blood sugar of 60 or something.  I started with a glass of juice then a piece of candy.  Lydia came upstairs and started in on me for eating the candy, I tried to explain to her that I have to when I have too much insulin in my body.  She stated very simply that "it's just so confusing LuLu"  I laughed and told her no one could have said it better... Now at meals Sam shouts (she doesn't just talk, she talks loud) "LuLu are you going to poke yourself with a needle now? and can I watch?" Earlier this week she stood on her chair at Panera while we were at lunch and goes "Hey everybody, LuLu..." at which point I grabbed her and made her sit down and be quiet.  I love how "cool" she thinks it is and just wants everyone to know.

Sammi's Always a Little Crazy!

It depends on the age of the ears when it comes to explaining this disease, family is always sorry and understanding, children see it in the simplest way as diabetes is when you have to poke your finger and give yourself shots, and friends are sometimes the best ones to just be there, they have no clue what it is like for you everyday personally but they try there best to give advice which can be helpful and annoying at the same time.  I became very attached to the people that were there for me when I was first diagnosed and will always be grateful that they were/are a part of my life. 

We Love Our Silly Faces!!

My cousins and I just Monday.  Sam came running into my room (I have my own room at their house for when I visit) and was giggling saying "I'm like you LuLu" She had a plastic thing pointing it at her stomach I looked at Lydi questionably, soon Lydi goes "She's trying to be like you and give herself a shot in the stomach with her toy shot from her Dr. kit, and SAM  I told you not to take that shot till dinner!" HILARIOUS! 

Most of the Medicines

I am from a town actually called Medicine Lodge, however growing up I never knew exactly how the words Medicine would effect my entire life.  Throughout high school and college I never really took a lot of medications other than a small pill for the occasional "stress headaches"  My entire family (almost) is in the medical profession and I also was working in the medical field and just saw too many people dependent on medicines that I thought were unnecessary don't get me wrong, I even then understood some medications people had to depend on daily for survival but I just did not want to be a person that had a bag of medicines or needed a pill box... so funny now how I have became just that!

My very first day as a diabetic I was put directly on metformin 500mg twice a day and then a shot that was somewhat new and called victoza.  I assumed it was insulin and was very upset it just seemed like too much at once, however my PA informed me that it was not insulin and that it was to help lower blood sugars and control an amount of weight loss possibly.  I think this was the only positive thing about the entire life changing appointment.  Still in the end I told my mom that I didn't care if I lost weight or not, I had the perfect wardrobe and that my weight didn't bother me.  However as a type 2 diabetic weight loss can control your entire diabetes and some can even go off of medicines which would be ideal of course.  Therefore I started all the medicines.  By January my PA doubled the amount of metformin and increased my amount of victoza.  My blood pressure was higher than normal therefore they put me on lisinopril which would also help my kidneys.  I had lost weight but the side affects of the metformin were brutal.  I had the nausea constantly, bouts of I guess what you would call anorexia, where I would not eat anything at all and cry when people would try to get me to.  My stomach killed me constantly it felt like my insides were being ripped out of me.  There would be the diarrhea then constipation, this drug was just miserable.  Sometimes I wonder if it was the medicine that was killing me or the fact that I was spilling keytones.  

Finally in July after my appointment with my specialist she put me on Novolog and Levemir.  I remember in the meeting she asked me how I was feeling.  I told her I felt completely overwhelmed, but what she really meant was how physically I was feeling and I told her I had constant stomach pain and bouts of dizziness which I had, had for about 6 months both signs of spilling keytones.  I remember when she first walked in she flat told me they were probably going to admit me directly into the hospital and needed more blood work drawn stat.  All I could think of was "I feel fine, like I have for months now" After my "stat" blood work came back she informed me she was okay with me going home, however we were in Wichita which is shopping central for us small town folk and I wanted new scrubs!  Mom feeling bad for me took me to Red Lobster where I took my first shot of insulin.  After lunch we went to the mall and I was soaked in sweat.  Granted it was July and the hottest summer EVER but it was just constant, checked my sugars and they were in the 200s which hell was better than the 400s they had been in. The next morning when I called in to report my sugars I told them about the sweats and shakiness which to me was strange due to the fact that my sugars were still high.  (I had never experienced a low blood sugar ever at this point) they told me that my body had been so used to high blood sugars that at this level my body would still react as if they were low.  I had to call the office and report blood sugars everyday for at least two weeks, it was such a pain.... 

In November I went to see my normal PA and she had just met with her drug rep who told me that he had a lot of doctors using an old regimen known as 70/30.  A shot you took just twice a day kinda like metformin.  You did't need to inject it with meals or even take a long acting insulin.  I would take it at 8 and 8... that next morning I bottomed out to 39 and the next morning after decreasing the units I bottomed out to 37.  After the medicine was adjusted correctly it was a dream drug, it gave me so much of my freedom back and I loved it. 

 In the end my specialist preferred I stick with the novolog and levemir however at this time they wanted me to try another injection on top of the other two called symlin.  Honestly, I never saw this one work for me at all... A month after taking it all I had was a $300 dollar shot that I had an allergic reaction to that gave me terrible welts all over my abdomen.  I let the doctors know and they said to just stick with the other two.  

So as of now I take about 10 units of novolog with every meal and then 3-5 with snacks.  At 8pm I take 16 units of levemir daily.  Along with that orally I take lisinopril and then xanax for those not so fun mood swings.  The other day one of my co-workers commented on my somewhat large medicine bag that goes with me everywhere more than my purse even, he said I was too young to have that many medicines, he was not rude about it whatsoever just stating a TRUE fact, I am too young to have this many medications but its all about survival.

In the end being on a lot of medicines just flat SUCKS this is not what I wanted or what I ever thought would happen but sometimes that is just how life is.  I found a quote that I feel helps when I am having those down days, it says "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it" 

Drink, Drank, Drunk-Drinking With the Betes!

November 20, 2010 literally 5 days from Thanksgiving was the fateful day that I was diagnosed as a diabetic.  It is such a long story about the whole process of being diagnosed that I will have to save that for another blog... However I am super lucky that my doctor and I are super close, as she was giving me the life changing news I was doing somewhat well (I have worked in a hospital for years and basically knew what was wrong with me so it wasn't a super shock) that was until she stated the words "you do know you aren't going to be able to drink like you have and do now" My mouth literally dropped open and the tears started flowing.  Drinking is not my entire life however at the age of 23 is was certainly an important part.  I right then wanted to go back to my college years and re-experience the entire time and party more, sounds entirely immature but I felt like I missed that part of my college experience.  Yes, I enjoy having a casual beer however, I am drinker to get drunk, a go big or go home kinda girl, and always have been.  Don't get me wrong, I always make sure I have a ride home or someone to call, and I make sure I am in a safe environment with people I trust.

This is me and Leigh my PAC-she has done so much for me!

My drinking career began at a young age my first drink being at the age of 14 with a good friend at a slumber party we shared a wine cooler of her mom's.  It wasn't really till my sophomore year of high school that drinking became my social life.  I enjoyed it and loved how it made me feel powerful and fearless, my friends and I attended many parties and even stayed the night at some, it really was a fun part of high school.  Senior year us girls had a blast and partied a lot in Pratt,  I have always been very open with my parents when it comes to drinking, and they trusted that I would be responsible to make correct decisions which I think I usually was. Sr. year of course was the best year and it wasn't all about drinking it was about making memories with my closest friends.

Me and my girlfriends our SR. year in high school drinking at the lake.

Finally in college, I can honestly say I didn't drink a lot or too often, I didn't like drinking away of my hometown where I knew everyone and knew who I could and couldn't trust.  After my first year of college I transferred to Fort Hays State University which is somewhat known for drinking.  I was still somewhat a good girl and never went to parties on week nights-maybe once and generally saved my partying for the weekend if at all.  I loved going to the country bar in Hays and dancing with my friends, tequila soon became my favorite drink and not in a margarita, I liked it straight in a shot glass with some lime.

A drinking game in college called cuffs and cases, the first couple who drink a case of beer together win, while being handcuffed to each other.

Me and Erica drinking and playing washers before a night out! 

At the age of 22 for Spring Break I travelled to Italy with my class, we saw so much art and many famous paintings, it was one of the best trips of my life.  In the evenings our tour guide was good to take us out and I was all about partying in Florence, Italy.  St. Patrick's day we went on a pub crawl and I had a blast, however I don't fully remember the walk back to our hotel with the tour guide, however my roommate in college who isn't much of a drinker was with me at all times, and I knew he would make sure I was okay.  The next day while hungover we went to a wine tasting and let's just say alcohol was not my friend that.  My entire trip was not about drinking but it was a very fun and exciting part of it.

Drinking in Florence

St. Patrick's Day Pub Crawl

The summer after college I spent most of my time with my then boyfriend and best friend, we all 4 went out  lot but generally to movies and dinner but neither were huge drinkers and it wasn't a priority of ours, that summer proved that you can have a good time and not spend the entire time drinking.  I did attend my sister's bachelorette party and had a blast drinking without getting drunk honestly, I had just a couple beers however the next day getting into the shower I slipped and obtained the largest bruise of my life! lol -this was the last summer before I was diagnosed.

Me, Nathan, and Jenn-my first summer after college

It was a Tuesday night in October when Justine and I went out, yes a random Tuesday night.  There was no one at the bar but we decided to just go for shots, shots, shots!  The next day I was a tad hungover and very dehydrated very normal after a night of drinking, however the hunger for thirst never went away after that day, I was constantly thirsty it took me over a month later to finally make an appointment.

Sometimes I want to blame alcohol for my pancreas finally quitting but I know it's not true, it was just the plan god and my body had for me.  Something I didn't share earlier is that I am an emotional drinker, which is terrible and I know that and it is something I am working on.  When I am upset, mad, or angry I drink not a little a lot, I drink to forget and I drink to feel nothing.  After being diagnosed my emotions were all over the place and drinking wasn't an option, finally I kind of said screw it, I am 23 and I am going to be 23.  I had lost all of this weight and wanted to go out and have a good time, and I did.  Last spring I was going out every other weekend and drinking a lot, I literally passed out, outside the bar in a sticker patch.  My sugars were already out of control so I didn't figure drinking could do much more harm. -This was all before I was on insulin and diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic

Me and some friends last summer at the bar. 

I had done really well with my drinking and don't really go out much part of which is due to the fact that my boyfriend doesn't go out too much and we choose to stay in together instead.  At the end of January was when my doctor had informed me that I most likely will be unable to have children, and they started me on a new insulin which ran my sugars high and my emotions on overload.  The weekend after my appointment Russell and I had been fighting for days and decided to go out with some friends.  Before we left with our friends we had yet another stupid fight and that night I decided to not feel anything.  It was literally the most drunk I have ever been, I can't even tell you everything I drank.  It was also the first time I had been this drunk after being on a 24hr insulin.  I puked ALL NIGHT LONG and by 4:30 in the morning I felt so weak that I knew something was wrong and suddenly it hit me, I can't keep anything down and have long acting insulin in me, my sugar is dropping and is going to continue to.  I was terrified.  Yes at the age of 24 I called my mom and she told me we would probably have to go to the ER.  I work at the hospital and was ashamed of myself and what I had done to myself, now my co-workers are going to have to see me in this state and see what I had done.  Mom asked me why I drank so much and and I told her it was because I wanted to be a normal 24yr old and not feel anything for once.  She was very understanding and took me home where I was able to keep toast down and I didn't ended up going to ER. Russell took very good care of me that night and even checked my blood sugar while I was passed out.

After that night I learned what drinking with diabetes will do to you and your pancreas.  I would say it was the wake up call I needed.  I have learned fun does not revolve around drinking and you can be in social situations and not be hammered it isn't what life is all about. I went from drinking a couple beers a week to it now tasting too sweet.  I wouldn't change my high school years for anything and now see what an emotional drinker I am and am hopefully maturing and find a different way to get my emotions out safely.  I am not saying underage drinking is a good thing or something everyone should experience it is just something I chose to do in my life and I don't regret it.

Casually drinking with some friends at a wedding dance in February

Diabetes Living

So year 1 with diabetes I was very much in denial.  However it did not affect my life as much as it does so now.  Also my pancreas was in a "honeymoon" phase.  They say with type 1 diabetics as soon as you start any type of treatment that your pancreas decides to start back up and work normally producing insulin for a little amount of time.  They say this can last anywhere from 3 months to 3 years mine decided to last maybe 1 month.  Last fall while in Walgreens I came across the magazine "Diabetic Living"  after glancing at it for a few seconds I decided it looked like a good one I would just go ahead and purchase.  I was still very shy about my diabetes and threw it on the counter with some other stuff, you would have thought I was buying tampons or something, I just still didn't want to admit to the world that I had this disease let alone myself.  I instantly liked the magazine and bought a subscription.

They have a section that asks you to submit personal tips and ideas and I decided I would go ahead and submit mine.  Months went by and I actually forgot about it all.  Just a couple months ago I received an email stating they wanted to publish my tip in the magazine and pay me $25 for it.  Not much but 25 dollars is 25 dollars.  I figured I would be in the fall issue and was looking forward to reading it eventually.  The Spring issue came out in late February and I didnt think much about it.  I let it sit in my room for a couple weeks until one night at work when I had time I decided to read my magazine.  There it was in print my tip and name!  I was excited and very surprised!  Hopefully my tip can help others, I know I have valued other people's tips in the magazine as well.  So here it is...

A Movie Date with Little Large Rants!

As I said before I have found dating and diabetes sometimes do not come hand in hand.  We had planned a small date to Pratt which is 30 minutes from my hometown to go to dinner and a movie.  However Saturday night I tried everything to get rid of this agonizing headache that just would not go away therefore we decided we would post pone our date till Sunday afternoon and go to the matinee.  What movie might be we going to see?  The Vow... of course Russell was less than thrilled but willing to take me!  

Before leaving I have to go through my usual mental list of what all I cannot forget to take with me.  I am a girly girl and change purses a lot therefore my medicines are not always in the same location. 

1) Glucometer

2) Insulins

3) Needles

4) Test Strips

5) Glucagel for the occasional lows

I have a pink bag that carries multiple little handy everyday things that I may need.  I was almost out of test strips so I had to grab another bottle before leaving.  I always take the gel with me when I am driving because you never know when I may drop and I haven't had to use it yet. 

We get to the theatre and get our tickets and then comes the snack bar!  As a child this was the highlight of the movies, the candy, soda and popcorn. Now it takes a minute to look at what may be diabetic friendly.  I hate diet Pepsi and it was the only diet soda they had so I went with an unsweetened tea.  Russell decided on a regular soda and small popcorn. 

 I was actually excited that we were going to an afternoon movie.  During evening movies at 8pm I have to take a shot and a pill therefore not having to constantly look at a clock during the first part of the movie was so much more enjoyable.

I can honestly say this was not my favorite Nicholas Spark's movie by far, it was actually very depressing.  During the movie there was a scene where Leo played by Channing Tateum was trying to win back his wife Page played by Rachel McAdams, they were at a cute little coffee shop and he was making her try different chocolates.  Even though yes I have diabetes doesn't mean I don't enjoy a good piece of chocolate I am just not able to enjoy an entire box of them.  As she is eating the chocolates she makes the comment "are you trying to make me a diabetic or just fat?" Instantly I was irritated and mildly  upset.  I didn't say a word I just sat there with a knot in my stomach.  Russell instantly grabbed my hand and squeezed it just a little bit tighter.  This gesture alone meant the world to me, with no words or even a reaction he knew exactly how to make me feel somewhat better. 

Let me start off my little rant by saying EATING CHOCOLATES DOES NOT GIVE YOU DIABETES!! I did not get this god given disease by eating 30 candy bars or an entire box of chocolates.  Due to the fact that I have diabetes means I cannot eat that many sweets at one time, I see where the narrow minded people of the world could get that confused.  I must say two years ago I would not have found the movie line as irritating but still would not have found the humor in it either.  

I saw a "Math Problem" on pinterest that stated "If John has 32 candy bars and eats 28, what does he have now?  The answer one would think is 4, he would have 4 candy bars however their answer was not 4 it was "Diabetes, John has Diabetes"  This image literally stuck with me for DAYS!  Next thing I knew I saw it on a friend's facebook page and multiple people were "liking" it.  It made me feel terrible at first that so many people would think this is how you get diabetes then finally I realized it was not their fault for their lack of knowledge when it comes to this disease.  Hell I would never eat another candy bar again if I knew it had caused me to have this disease but it did not.  I would love for every person that "liked" that image to live just one day in my shoes.  A day of giving yourself shots, analyzing everything that goes in your mouth and lets not forget the fun part of poking your finger multiple times a day and that is just to name a few. 

     Part of me feels hypocritical with these last few statements.  Would I have even noticed the line in the movie if I hadn't obtained this disease in the last year and a half? I am sure there are other illnesses in the past that I have joked about with people and this disease has made me more aware of those punch lines that literally do punch and I am so sorry.  All I ask is that before you make a facebook post or use a pinterest image about such a subject- think, think of what it is saying and what you know about it, think about who you could possibly hurt if anyone from the post and maybe do some research to see if what you are posting is a fact and not a joke. I am not saying I am perfect by all means I am far from but I have learned from the stings of other people's "funny posts" and it wasn't fun. 

Well that was supposed to be a small rant that as usual with me ended up very long! 

Who I Am and Where I've Been

Obviously from the title of this blog one can see that this blog is about my personal journey with diabetes.   I was diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic in November of 2010, at the time I had no idea exactly how much my life would really change.  This post is a quick catch up about who I am and where I've been. 

This is me during my senior year of college and approximately one year before my diagnoses as a diabetic.

The night before my college graduation.  This is me and my sister out celebrating, this is the last time I went out drinking before my diagnoses.

This is my first time going out after my diagnoses.  At the time I knew little about what alcohol could or would do to my body and its lacking pancreas.  That night was an amazing, fun, care-free night.  That night my blood sugar levels reached about 300 due to all of the beer and liquor.  At the time I was determined to live a normal life as a 23yr old, not thinking nor caring about any of the consequences. 

Morgan!  He was my roomie during college.  At this point we hadn't seen each other in 6 months. Morgan noticed the start of my weight loss.  I need to back up a bit.  I was first diagnosed as a type 2 diabetic and the treatment was with metformin, a pill that I took twice a day.  Therefore my diabetes was controlled mainly by a strict diet that I honestly didn't stick to that well. 

This is my very best friend Kristopher!  He lives three states away and anytime I get to see him, I usually badger him for a picture or two.  At this point I had not started insulin yet.  Unknowingly my body was toxic with glucose and I was losing around 7lbs a week, sounds pretty perfect however I was constantly sick, which I assumed was normal. This night Kris and I went out and it was one of the few times I was able to have a good time without feeling terrible. 

Justine and I traveled to New Mexico last summer.  It was my first long trip out of town and I couldnt help but be a little concerned that I could end up very sick and far away from my family and doctors. I was still sick and waiting for my first appointment with my specialist.  This short weekend road trip was one of the best times ever.  We had an amazing time and nothing was getting in my way of having fun!  You could say it was a trip of a lifetime! ;) 

Me at my smallest size.  I have always been a bigger girl, my entire life, and at this point I had lost about 65lbs since my diagnoses. I loved going shopping and always going down a size, still at this time, I did not know the reason for such a drastic weight loss was due to the fact that my body was spilling keytones.  This weekend was the last weekend before I was to see my specialist.  I decided to have one last "hoorah" I was spending the weekend in Wichita with my family and let my blood sugar get completely out of control.  My sugar levels reached their highest and instead of driving home I had to stay an extra day in Wichita with my family to work at getting my sugars down. 

Finally went and saw my specialist.  After many tests they discovered that I was a type 1 diabetic and my pancreas had officially broken.  At this point I started two different insulins and took about 3-4 shots a day.  This is me and my diabetic bracelet.  My doctors had warned me that I would start to gain a little bit of my weight back which was less than thrilling to me but I knew it was for health reasons. 

Justine and I were Can-Can dancers at the Peace Treaty this past year.  As a little girl I adored the can-can dancers but I never dreamed of getting to be one.  Due to my diabetes I had lost enough weight to where I could actually fit in a costume and attempt the dances.  Justine encouraged me to do it and I am so very grateful for her.  Not only did she spend so much time one on one with me teaching me the dances but she helped me accomplish a childhood dream.  It was one of the best experiences of my life.  I was in the best shape of my life. We practiced twice a week and I became very attached to my "Night Show Family"  

I had gained about 10lbs back at this point.  Days before this picture was taken I experienced my lowest blood sugar.  I work nights which I know is terrible for a diabetic but I wouldnt change the shift I work for anything!  I was sleeping one morning when I woke up soaked in sweat and shaking terribly.  I didnt have my glucometer with me.  This morning I literally crawled to my kitchen to get a soda to boost my sugar.  I made it back to my bed and woke up hours later not sure of what all had happened earlier that morning. 

My bff Jenn and I went to see Reba in concert.  It was an amazing show and so much fun.  That night during the show I needed to take my 24hr insulin at 8pm.  I was not leaving this show for anything and ended up taking my shot in the dark feeling around for my needles.  I wouldnt recommend this but the stubborn part of me was not letting this disease bother my night in any way! 

This is me and my boyfriend Russell.  After being diagnosed I had sworn off dating and wanted to concentrate on me and only me.  Right before my diagnoses, I was dating a great guy and not knowing how much high blood sugars effect your mood swings, I was terribly moody and just not fair to him.  We broke up 20days before I was officially a diabetic.  At this point I knew dating would never be easy but is it ever?  I met Russell in May and I am not quite sure he knew what he was getting himself into.  My diabetes was not too bad then and we had a somewhat normal relationship.  I started insulin later that summer and I can honestly say our relationship would be different if diabetes weren't such a factor.  When I start a new insulin the doctors run me high and I am a basket case.  I will literally bite my lip so hard it bleeds due to the fact if I open my mouth I will say something terrible.  He had to learn right along with me what was good for me to eat and not so great.  When my blood sugar drops he knows exactly what to do to help. This man has literally left in the middle of the night to get me a soda due to a low blood sugar.  One night we were in one of our little arguments and I had bottomed out and needed help but was too angry and stubborn to ask for help, he noticed and still took excellent care of me.  Some days I don't realize how much this disease effects him, he wasn't born with this, I was.  He can walk away at any second and at times I wouldn't blame him at all, I can be so difficult.  I am grateful for him but would give anything to have a normal relationship that didn't involve insulin, glucometers, and a specific diet. 

My sister and I a few weeks ago and I have now gained about 20lbs back which makes me both happy and sad. My doctor had started me on a third insulin.  I take 7 shots a day and am reading material on an insulin pump.  They have suggested this for months and I just mentally havent been ready.  I had an allergic reaction to the new shot and ended up with welts all over my abdomen therefore I know it's time for the pump and will adjust to whatever I have to.  All I know is that I want a limegreen pump! :)  I was also deemed to be a "brittle" diabetic which means my sugars are completely out of control, basically it is the worst diabetic you can be.  All appointments are so overwhelming with more and more negative news that I just try and roll with it.  That appointment was also where my fears of having children were confirmed.  He did not say it was impossible he just said it was not likely to be a successful pregnancy when the time ever came in my life.

 I have learned that you cannot always be so stubborn when it comes to this disease, you have to ask for help when you need it and learn to accept it when it is offered to you. I have an amazing support system that I am not always appreciative of but I couldnt do any of this without my family and amazing friends!