Pump it Up!!

First Day of Officially Pumping

 Written: Tuesday August 31, 2012

It seems like this day took forever to finally get here...Today (July 24, 2012) is the day that I am supposed to get this device that is supposedly supposed to change my life and make life so much easier for me. Hmmm how is something that is attached to me 24/7 supposed to make life easier?  This has definitely been a “I’ll believe it when I see it” kinda moments.  When first hearing about the pump I had thought it was something you hooked up to only when you needed insulin not something that stays with you when you sleep, work, and play.  Interested, I think not.  Plus one of the most important questions “how am I going to accessorize this with all of my outfits?”  

Who needs one more reason to tell the world “look at me I have diabetes”  As stated before I have always been very private about this disease for many reasons, embarrassment, sympathy, or judgement.  I figured as many people in the world are so ignorant about this disease they would all assume I did this to myself by being overweight.  I remember thinking to myself “I know plenty of people who are larger than me and they do not have to battle this?”  This was usually followed with the question “Why me?” 

Back to pumping.  Mom and I arrived in Wichita for my appointment at 9am.  The overly cheery trainer proceeded to start “class” when the other girl arrived for her training.  She was super nice and had been battling this disease for 5 years nearly 4 more than myself.  We took the exact same amount of insulin which was also kinda crazy and were around the same age.  She however got a purple pump and mine is clear.  I was a little sad when I saw the bright pretty pump she would get to wear however if I couldn’t have lime green then clear would be the next best color (and it would go with more outfits!)  The instructor figured out numerous calculations and set our pumps up with the basil rates we would each need.  Finally came the part that terrified me.  Inserting the infusion set.  I was chosen to go first of course. 

The Infusion Set

 I remember sitting in the room thinking to myself “this is your life now”  At one point I completely lost focus and just sat there teary eyed.  This is not something I want.  At the age of 24 an insulin pump should not be high on the priority list.  I want to go out with my friends and not think about how many carbs one beer has.  I want to take a random road trip without having to freak out when thinking “did I pack EVERYTHING I need to survive being away from home for just 24hrs?”  I want sleep without worrying that I will crash and have no help.  

I loaded what I call the “piercer” and clicked it into my abdomen, my co-student cringed at the noise it made and mom looked at me with concern, no it didn’t hurt, was it overwhelming? Yes.  Did I think I could do this again by myself? Um NO! 

Before you pull back the button

What I Call the "Piercer" You click the buttons on the sides and BAM it shoots right in you.

Class ended and I was pretty sure I would have no problem running the pump.  Changing out the infusion set... that may be another story.  Mom and I went to eat lunch at the mall after class.  On the way there I was highly irritable due to the high blood sugars, stress and just overwhelming feeling I had.  At the mall I ordered my food sat down and decided to go ahead and give myself some insulin.  I checked my blood sugar, typed it in, enter, skipped the carb step, enter, then typed in 8 units of insulin.  I put my pump back in my pocket when suddenly it started buzzing.  “Seriously?”  The pump started flashing “no delivery”  Of course leave it to me to have the defective pump or body that breaks down right as soon as class was over.  I tried to detach the pump from my body, that didn’t work.  I couldn’t even un-twist the infusion set. Mom was trying to help me when finally the tears came.  Yup right there in the middle of the food court I broke down.  I was standing there with my stomach for the world to see trying to get this damn machine off of me crying hard.  Finally mom convinced me to call the instructor who of course did not answer.  My only other option besides standing there and crying was to call the company.  I was so upset I couldn’t think this was going to help at all.  My biggest fear was that they would tell me to take the entire infusion set out and put a new one in.  I had three days till I was supposed to worry about that!  Medtronic (the company) was super nice.  Oh the poor guy that answered the phone...I was crying so hard he started getting nervous but was so sweet.  Finally he sent me to a lady who walked me step by step on how to get the pump detached from me.  Then of course my luck could not get any better...the infusion set was bad.  I needed a longer needle or to go into a skinnier section of my body therefore this machine was hooked into me doing nothing.  Not to mention the “oh crap your body has no insulin in you” therefore not only did I have an infusion set in me... I also had to now give myself a damn shot.  This was so not my day.  

This is exactly how it looked that day in the mall with my mom and I screaming at each other. 

This is the part of the pump I could not get off of me, it is super simple now and takes less than 2 seconds :) 

Meanwhile I am at the mall drying my tears with my useless pump attached.  A good friend called and I was trying so hard to not cry all over again, it was a new friendship and I did not want him to see this side of me... I am one of those people who hate crying in front of other people, it is embarrassing and usually super personal.  He was amazing, and made me feel so much better (as much as I could)  I am sure I came off cranky but he was patient with me which was so helpful to my terrible mood.  

Mom and I went to Target before we headed home and she asked me if I wanted to try and change it out.  I really did.  I wanted to wear something that was actually working in me.  So we sat in Starbucks with my books and all the gadgets ready to put another one in.  This time I went higher more towards my rib cage.  Between the two of us we figured it out and actually got it to work...  I felt tons better and way more confident about the whole situation.  

24 hours later my blood sugars went from being in the high 400’s to the 90’s.  I was extremely impressed.  Completely sold? Not so much, not yet anyways.  Sleeping that first night was terrible.  I would have to try and remember where it was so I wouldn’t roll over and just completely rip it out and it hurt when I accidentally laid on top of it. 

My co-workers are super supportive and even watched me change my pump out tonight which was a huge step for me, I absolutely love them for everything they have been through with me.  As for the supportive friend, I was actually at his house when my infusion set completely came out.  I had everything to replace it but seriously?  How embarrassing?  I know, I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed but I am so guarded with this disease.  He could not have been nicer.  He kept asking me if he could help or what I needed him to do.  I stood there in my head thinking to myself “don’t cry, don’t cry”  I tried so hard to play it cool but I was really freaking out and thinking to myself “who wants to deal with this disease that doesn’t have to?” Finally I put a new set in and all was well, I made him not look. lol

I do believe at the time God literally placed this man into my life to help me through this small diabetic battle.  He is a patient, kind, caring man and just what I needed at this point in my journey.  We talk little now but his support and kindness will always be super special to me, you know who you are....so “Thank YOU!” doesn’t even begin to describe how grateful I am for you to have been there with me. :) 

This. Is. My. Life. Now.  If I want to live to or past the age of 50 right now this is my only solution.  If I ever want a chance at children, this is how.  If I want to keep my fingers and toes, this may help.  If I want my old life back in some way, this will help.  Freedom is something that went out the window for me awhile back.  With this pump I am finally getting a small taste of having it back.  Am I a proud pumper?  Not yet.  I am still self conscious to an extent and catch people staring at it.  I am sure however 6 months down the road I won’t even know it is there.  It is my new best friend and as I like to call it “My pancreas in a box” :) 

My Pancreas in a Box.

I had to also get a new meter that automatically sends my blood sugar to my pump to correct and store it. 

1st time going swimming with my pump, I had nowhere to put it for the drive to the lake.  I had to take it off while swimming and hook up to it every so often for the day. 

Wearing my pump while visiting the "wiener mobile" with the girls! 

Approved.

Approved. 

So I took a vacation from blogging... I also took a mental vacation from diabetes, okay so we all know this is not possible, a day yes but more than a day... not so much a possibility.  Earlier I posted about being denied by my insurance company for my insulin pump and having to test my blood sugar a million times a day.  

Let me back up... first of all, I had to choose a pump.  I was given catalogs and books of different pumps to choose from.  Of course I ran right into the book that had the limegreen pump and everything my Dr. said after she handed me the book went in one ear and out the other.  There was also a wireless pump that intrigued me as well.  Finally my mom literally grabbed the books so I would pay attention and... it looked like Medtronic was probably the best fit for me.  They had a representative that came to their office multiple times a week.... only problem NO LIMEGREEN PUMP!?  Are you kidding me?  That has been my only stipulation when it comes to this device, you finally get me on board the pump it up train and no limegreen pump?  Yes, there was a pink one, a purple one even a blue one... no plain green even.  Disappointed? I think yes.  After this mom told our Dr. she would let them know the next day what I decided.  At home I looked at the books more and more still pissed about the lack of a green pump but at the end of the day... medtronic had what I needed.  They also carry a CGM  (Conitunal Glucose Monitor) I told mom I did not want that and medtronic told me insurance RARELY covers any of it, fine by me, who wants two ports instead of one?  ...not this girl. 

My books of pumps...

And the Winner is... MEDTRONIC 

A super nice guy named Abraham calls me with questions as to my highest and lowest blood sugars, when I am most likely to bottom out and when I am highest.  He asked me if I had any questions regarding the pump and I said I actually did “Is the thing water proof?”  His response, “umm... that is a good question and no, it can stand a little water but it is much like a cell phone, if it to get drenched it will be ruined”  I sat there rolling my eyes thinking “just great, no randomly jumping into pools or lakes” (Not that I do that often or ever but...what if I wanted to?)  So after my 3 months of testing, I had to make a special trip all the way back to Wichita just so they can plug my glucometer into a machine and print off my blood sugars and send them to the insurance company.  I thought between my mom and I we had explained we needed the last 3 months sent.  They asked me if I wanted a copy which was not necessary, I knew they were bad no sense in seeing it on paper.  Less than 24 hours later, medtronic calls... and of course my Dr’s office had only sent them a month’s worth and they needed 3 months of testing.  This means no moving forward till I get my glucometer back to wichita.  SERIOUSLY!? I just made the 90mile trip the day before and am going back to work for the next 8 days.  Luckily mom was going to be in the city later that week which meant I had to give her my glucometer and use my back up one for the day. Finally they get the tests to medtronic. 

The pump and CGM

A week later I am in Derby, KS visiting my cousins, while at their “Gym and Swim” day I had a missed call from a number I didn’t recognize.  It was medtronic calling to inform me that I had been approved not only for the pump but also for the CGM.  I was super, super excited!  This had been a long time coming.  “But wait...I was approved for the CGM? I didn’t know I wanted this, and I thought insurance never covered any of it, so why me?  Am I really that bad off to need this thing?!”  Hours after getting the message I called them back and they asked me my height  and what color of pump I would like.  My response “You guys haven’t gotten a limegreen one in the last month by any chance?” They hadn’t so I just went with clear.  Within a few days the giant boxes arrived and were sat on my bed... I was out of town still when they arrived and I made mom get in the “pump” one to make sure my pump was NOT BLACK, it showed online mine was black.  It was indeed white.  We made my appointment for training for just the pump, they said both were too much to handle at one time.  I had online classes to start which were a complete bore, but actually a tad helpful.

My Giant Boxes that Held the Two Tiny Items Shown Above.

Doesn't she just look super duper happy about her pump? 

I was being good and taking my classes.... 

Excited, and terrified were how I felt, I finally got the news I wanted and was super excited to see if this will make my life any easier at all but if I don’t like it... thats a grand total of about a $10,000 trial.  To say my parents love me is an understatement.  

Soon I would get to say goodbye to my injections and needles not forever but for the most part. :) 

Kim Kardashian

First of all, I know I have oh so much to catch up on in the months since I have blogged.  I have been writing what seems like a novel in my "pages" on my macbook pro.  A few of the big things that have happened in my diabetic life would be-Yes, I finally got a approved for a pump, I took my classes for the pump and am now officially pumping!  I also got a CGM which has been very interesting to say the least... those stories are coming... soon!  However today, I just have to write a short little blog about Kim Kardashian. :)

Okay, okay so I will admit it, I do watch "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" and am a fan.  I was watching the season finale, well catching up on it the other day and Kim has made the decision to freeze her eggs, therefore she has to take hormone injections.  I seriously about fell over watching her try to give herself an injection in her abdomen.  Her first try, she barely gets the needle in and yanks it right out.  Her mom- Kris is there to assist her and they both looked very professional wearing gloves and everything.  Another attempt was when her mom tries to just throw the needle in her stomach and ends up hitting Kim's finger.  I am about to flippin' lose it at this point due to the humor I see in all of this.  Finally what I saw a 3rd time was the charm and she finally was able to insert the injection.

Lucky Kim! Yeah it would suck to have to give yourself hormone injections for a couple weeks or months but try giving yourself multiple, multiple injections everyday for the rest of your life? Before I switched to the pump, I was giving myself a minimum of 12-16 shots daily or more.  Sometimes, I would skip shots due to being on a date and not wanting the guy to see me inject literally every flippin' hour.  They burned, took up tons of time, and were inconvenient but... they were necessary for life.  In all honesty, I am glad they showed how painful and not fun an injection can be, for five minutes the world was able to see moments we as diabetics have gone through daily for years.  In no way am I anti-Kardashian, I just found the humor in this scene which I think many other people probably did as well.


I wish I had a video clip of this for everyone to enjoy but all I was able to find would be a picture that really is worth a thousand words.  

Sick of Pricks...

It has literally been months since I have posted... I honestly have had it with diabetes!  This to many who have this disease is a day to day thought. lol I went to go see about FINALLY getting a pump (about two months ago) and insurance denied me (temporarily)  due to the lack of me checking my blood sugar regularly-I know, I know my bad.

I absolutely HATE checking my blood sugar.  The pricks hurt and sometimes it takes me a bit to actually click the button and purposely inflict temporary pain on my poor little fingers.  They are bruised, and have little ugly marks and calluses all over them.  Also I hate that if you don't get exactly enough blood on the strip-IT DOESNT WORK!  That's almost a $1 which doesn't seem like much but trust me, it adds up!   I work nights therefore they are never going to be somewhat at the same time... ever.  Okay so I will admit I have been a total slacker when it comes to checking my sugar and this is an appropriate "wake up call" that I needed probably a year ago.

(I did not take this picture, I simply found it online but I do LOVE IT)

So I play along and start checking my blood sugars CONSTANTLY and became obsessed which was good and bad... Along with constantly checking my blood came the constantly correcting it, followed by the constant bottoming out.  I would drop to at least 40 daily.

After the constant lows came the fear of bottoming out all the time which is now followed by the absolute highs which brings with them the ketones. GRRR.

I cannot win, this statement was true after days of being diagnosed with diabetes.  This is an unfair disease.  You follow the rules, play the game its way and get NO WHERE! Irritated, grumpy and flat pissed off is exactly how I feel daily which is probably partly due to the high sugars but high sugar or not, I AM MAD!   Well, I feel better now after getting all of that out. lol :) 

Explanations and Understandings

In the Summer of 2005 I was introduced to a little girl that changed my life forever, little miss Lydi was just one year old when my Aunt and Uncle adopted her from China.  I was 17 when we flew to China to get her.  Up until then I was the youngest grandchild on my mother's side of the family, I instantly fell in love with our little blessing counting down days until I would get to see her.

Lydi and I the first year we had her. 

A couple years later when I was in College my Aunt and Uncle adopted another little girl just over a year old from India named Samantha.  Sadly I was unable to go with them to get her but have adored her since the first day I met her in the Summer of 2008.

Sam when we first got her

The year I was diagnosed as a diabetic, I spend darn near the entire summer before staying with them.  As I have stated before that was probably one of the most amazing summer's of my life.  I was with a good guy that adored the girls as much as I did and had a best friend that even babysat my little cousins when I was out of town.  It truly seemed as if I had everything I could ever want in life but me being me was still not happy, I was a recent college graduate and did not get that "dream job" everyone counts on after graduation.  Instead I had three mediocre jobs that were not near my guy, best friend or girls.  By the end of the summer I let two of my jobs go and kept one full time job to make life a little easier.  What I loved most about that summer was the constant go.  My friends and I would go to the movies constantly (I LOVE GOING TO THE MOVIES!) Lydi played t-ball which my friends and I attended together, and even the guy I was with played baseball (which is also my favorite sport/summer past time) so the girls would go with me to his games, best summer ever... yes!  Fall came and I was still stuck in Medicine Lodge and as I stated before in my very first post, the guy I was with and I ended things right before my diagnoses.   You could say that great summer came to a very screeching halt!

My College Graduation Day!!

That fall and beginning of Winter were pretty much miserable, I was moody beyond belief, angry, sad, and literally sick.  I would still go visit the girls they were about the only thing I looked forward to anymore.  I still continued to remain friends with the guy ( I hate the words x it sounds so terrible...) I hadn't told him about the life changing day in November which really wasn't fair but his mom is a diabetic and I knew he would understand I just for some reason wanted to be perfect in his eyes, which I was far from lol I finally broke down and told him and he was super supportive, his mom even offered to talk with me about it, I was just still in some denial and just wanted it to go away.  I feel like I should explain what ended up happening to "us" long story short, we saw each other less and less and eventually he moved on as did I, I always thought we would remain friends but that is in a perfect world.  In reality we are no longer even facebook friends and I have to ask my aunt about him.  He is now married and happier than I could have ever made him.  I am thankful to have gotten to have him in my life as long as I did and will always cherish the friendship we had.  Do I think Diabetes ruined this relationship? lol No, pretty sure I managed to do that all on my own, granted the unknown moodiness couldn't help any situation let alone a relationship.

Us three at the park!

At first it was easy hiding my disease from Sam and Lydi, to them nothing seemed different than normal.  I remember one day I was with Lydia and she wanted to share a soda, she decided upon a coke which was not going to happen for me, so I bought her a coke and got myself a diet soda.  On the way home she kept asking me why I couldn't drink her drink.  I finally told her that regular soda has a lot of sugar in it and that my body is different than a lot of people's and can't have sugar.  I remember looking in the rearview mirror as her mouth dropped open saying "YOU CAN'T HAVE CANDY!?" It really was cute, I told her no that I have to watch very carefully what I eat.  Lydi is a very smart now almost 8yr old and asked tons of questions.  Sam never noticed much difference than I was "smaller" when she hugged me and not as "fluffy" when I would hold her.  That Spring we had a slumber party and stayed in a hotel together and that was the first time they saw me give myself a shot.  They made it seem "cool." Sam kept saying "I wanna see, move over" She asked me if I had to do that everyday and I told her yes, but just once a day.  (Which at that point it was)

My beautiful Girlies Easter Sunday!

That Summer Lydia turned 6 and had a pool party, my previous guy friend was invited and that was the last time I saw him.  I was angry with him and never spoke a word to him.  This was the weekend before I was to see my specialist and wanted so badly to talk to him about it, but as far as we both were concerned things ended long before this point.  That weekend as I stated in previous posts was my last "hoorah" which ended with me staying in Wichita, with extremely high blood sugars.  The only thing other than the hospital that would bring them down was fluids.  I could hardly get out of the bed and Lydia took great care of me, she kept bringing me bottled water and "checking on me" Literally one of the sweetest and smartest 7 year olds ever!

At Lydia's Pool Party

Now that I am on insulin and take multiple multiple shots a day the girls are used to it.  They even call me out when I am eating something bad, its kinda funny actually.  One day I was downstairs with them playing and could feel a low coming on I didn't want to scare them so I just slowly stood up and started up the stairs where all of my medicines were.  I started climbing them and got so light headed that I ended up crawling the rest of the way.  I had a blood sugar of 60 or something.  I started with a glass of juice then a piece of candy.  Lydia came upstairs and started in on me for eating the candy, I tried to explain to her that I have to when I have too much insulin in my body.  She stated very simply that "it's just so confusing LuLu"  I laughed and told her no one could have said it better... Now at meals Sam shouts (she doesn't just talk, she talks loud) "LuLu are you going to poke yourself with a needle now? and can I watch?" Earlier this week she stood on her chair at Panera while we were at lunch and goes "Hey everybody, LuLu..." at which point I grabbed her and made her sit down and be quiet.  I love how "cool" she thinks it is and just wants everyone to know.

Sammi's Always a Little Crazy!

It depends on the age of the ears when it comes to explaining this disease, family is always sorry and understanding, children see it in the simplest way as diabetes is when you have to poke your finger and give yourself shots, and friends are sometimes the best ones to just be there, they have no clue what it is like for you everyday personally but they try there best to give advice which can be helpful and annoying at the same time.  I became very attached to the people that were there for me when I was first diagnosed and will always be grateful that they were/are a part of my life. 

We Love Our Silly Faces!!

My cousins and I just Monday.  Sam came running into my room (I have my own room at their house for when I visit) and was giggling saying "I'm like you LuLu" She had a plastic thing pointing it at her stomach I looked at Lydi questionably, soon Lydi goes "She's trying to be like you and give herself a shot in the stomach with her toy shot from her Dr. kit, and SAM  I told you not to take that shot till dinner!" HILARIOUS! 

Most of the Medicines

I am from a town actually called Medicine Lodge, however growing up I never knew exactly how the words Medicine would effect my entire life.  Throughout high school and college I never really took a lot of medications other than a small pill for the occasional "stress headaches"  My entire family (almost) is in the medical profession and I also was working in the medical field and just saw too many people dependent on medicines that I thought were unnecessary don't get me wrong, I even then understood some medications people had to depend on daily for survival but I just did not want to be a person that had a bag of medicines or needed a pill box... so funny now how I have became just that!

My very first day as a diabetic I was put directly on metformin 500mg twice a day and then a shot that was somewhat new and called victoza.  I assumed it was insulin and was very upset it just seemed like too much at once, however my PA informed me that it was not insulin and that it was to help lower blood sugars and control an amount of weight loss possibly.  I think this was the only positive thing about the entire life changing appointment.  Still in the end I told my mom that I didn't care if I lost weight or not, I had the perfect wardrobe and that my weight didn't bother me.  However as a type 2 diabetic weight loss can control your entire diabetes and some can even go off of medicines which would be ideal of course.  Therefore I started all the medicines.  By January my PA doubled the amount of metformin and increased my amount of victoza.  My blood pressure was higher than normal therefore they put me on lisinopril which would also help my kidneys.  I had lost weight but the side affects of the metformin were brutal.  I had the nausea constantly, bouts of I guess what you would call anorexia, where I would not eat anything at all and cry when people would try to get me to.  My stomach killed me constantly it felt like my insides were being ripped out of me.  There would be the diarrhea then constipation, this drug was just miserable.  Sometimes I wonder if it was the medicine that was killing me or the fact that I was spilling keytones.  

Finally in July after my appointment with my specialist she put me on Novolog and Levemir.  I remember in the meeting she asked me how I was feeling.  I told her I felt completely overwhelmed, but what she really meant was how physically I was feeling and I told her I had constant stomach pain and bouts of dizziness which I had, had for about 6 months both signs of spilling keytones.  I remember when she first walked in she flat told me they were probably going to admit me directly into the hospital and needed more blood work drawn stat.  All I could think of was "I feel fine, like I have for months now" After my "stat" blood work came back she informed me she was okay with me going home, however we were in Wichita which is shopping central for us small town folk and I wanted new scrubs!  Mom feeling bad for me took me to Red Lobster where I took my first shot of insulin.  After lunch we went to the mall and I was soaked in sweat.  Granted it was July and the hottest summer EVER but it was just constant, checked my sugars and they were in the 200s which hell was better than the 400s they had been in. The next morning when I called in to report my sugars I told them about the sweats and shakiness which to me was strange due to the fact that my sugars were still high.  (I had never experienced a low blood sugar ever at this point) they told me that my body had been so used to high blood sugars that at this level my body would still react as if they were low.  I had to call the office and report blood sugars everyday for at least two weeks, it was such a pain.... 

In November I went to see my normal PA and she had just met with her drug rep who told me that he had a lot of doctors using an old regimen known as 70/30.  A shot you took just twice a day kinda like metformin.  You did't need to inject it with meals or even take a long acting insulin.  I would take it at 8 and 8... that next morning I bottomed out to 39 and the next morning after decreasing the units I bottomed out to 37.  After the medicine was adjusted correctly it was a dream drug, it gave me so much of my freedom back and I loved it. 

 In the end my specialist preferred I stick with the novolog and levemir however at this time they wanted me to try another injection on top of the other two called symlin.  Honestly, I never saw this one work for me at all... A month after taking it all I had was a $300 dollar shot that I had an allergic reaction to that gave me terrible welts all over my abdomen.  I let the doctors know and they said to just stick with the other two.  

So as of now I take about 10 units of novolog with every meal and then 3-5 with snacks.  At 8pm I take 16 units of levemir daily.  Along with that orally I take lisinopril and then xanax for those not so fun mood swings.  The other day one of my co-workers commented on my somewhat large medicine bag that goes with me everywhere more than my purse even, he said I was too young to have that many medicines, he was not rude about it whatsoever just stating a TRUE fact, I am too young to have this many medications but its all about survival.

In the end being on a lot of medicines just flat SUCKS this is not what I wanted or what I ever thought would happen but sometimes that is just how life is.  I found a quote that I feel helps when I am having those down days, it says "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it" 

Drink, Drank, Drunk-Drinking With the Betes!

November 20, 2010 literally 5 days from Thanksgiving was the fateful day that I was diagnosed as a diabetic.  It is such a long story about the whole process of being diagnosed that I will have to save that for another blog... However I am super lucky that my doctor and I are super close, as she was giving me the life changing news I was doing somewhat well (I have worked in a hospital for years and basically knew what was wrong with me so it wasn't a super shock) that was until she stated the words "you do know you aren't going to be able to drink like you have and do now" My mouth literally dropped open and the tears started flowing.  Drinking is not my entire life however at the age of 23 is was certainly an important part.  I right then wanted to go back to my college years and re-experience the entire time and party more, sounds entirely immature but I felt like I missed that part of my college experience.  Yes, I enjoy having a casual beer however, I am drinker to get drunk, a go big or go home kinda girl, and always have been.  Don't get me wrong, I always make sure I have a ride home or someone to call, and I make sure I am in a safe environment with people I trust.

This is me and Leigh my PAC-she has done so much for me!

My drinking career began at a young age my first drink being at the age of 14 with a good friend at a slumber party we shared a wine cooler of her mom's.  It wasn't really till my sophomore year of high school that drinking became my social life.  I enjoyed it and loved how it made me feel powerful and fearless, my friends and I attended many parties and even stayed the night at some, it really was a fun part of high school.  Senior year us girls had a blast and partied a lot in Pratt,  I have always been very open with my parents when it comes to drinking, and they trusted that I would be responsible to make correct decisions which I think I usually was. Sr. year of course was the best year and it wasn't all about drinking it was about making memories with my closest friends.

Me and my girlfriends our SR. year in high school drinking at the lake.

Finally in college, I can honestly say I didn't drink a lot or too often, I didn't like drinking away of my hometown where I knew everyone and knew who I could and couldn't trust.  After my first year of college I transferred to Fort Hays State University which is somewhat known for drinking.  I was still somewhat a good girl and never went to parties on week nights-maybe once and generally saved my partying for the weekend if at all.  I loved going to the country bar in Hays and dancing with my friends, tequila soon became my favorite drink and not in a margarita, I liked it straight in a shot glass with some lime.

A drinking game in college called cuffs and cases, the first couple who drink a case of beer together win, while being handcuffed to each other.

Me and Erica drinking and playing washers before a night out! 

At the age of 22 for Spring Break I travelled to Italy with my class, we saw so much art and many famous paintings, it was one of the best trips of my life.  In the evenings our tour guide was good to take us out and I was all about partying in Florence, Italy.  St. Patrick's day we went on a pub crawl and I had a blast, however I don't fully remember the walk back to our hotel with the tour guide, however my roommate in college who isn't much of a drinker was with me at all times, and I knew he would make sure I was okay.  The next day while hungover we went to a wine tasting and let's just say alcohol was not my friend that.  My entire trip was not about drinking but it was a very fun and exciting part of it.

Drinking in Florence

St. Patrick's Day Pub Crawl

The summer after college I spent most of my time with my then boyfriend and best friend, we all 4 went out  lot but generally to movies and dinner but neither were huge drinkers and it wasn't a priority of ours, that summer proved that you can have a good time and not spend the entire time drinking.  I did attend my sister's bachelorette party and had a blast drinking without getting drunk honestly, I had just a couple beers however the next day getting into the shower I slipped and obtained the largest bruise of my life! lol -this was the last summer before I was diagnosed.

Me, Nathan, and Jenn-my first summer after college

It was a Tuesday night in October when Justine and I went out, yes a random Tuesday night.  There was no one at the bar but we decided to just go for shots, shots, shots!  The next day I was a tad hungover and very dehydrated very normal after a night of drinking, however the hunger for thirst never went away after that day, I was constantly thirsty it took me over a month later to finally make an appointment.

Sometimes I want to blame alcohol for my pancreas finally quitting but I know it's not true, it was just the plan god and my body had for me.  Something I didn't share earlier is that I am an emotional drinker, which is terrible and I know that and it is something I am working on.  When I am upset, mad, or angry I drink not a little a lot, I drink to forget and I drink to feel nothing.  After being diagnosed my emotions were all over the place and drinking wasn't an option, finally I kind of said screw it, I am 23 and I am going to be 23.  I had lost all of this weight and wanted to go out and have a good time, and I did.  Last spring I was going out every other weekend and drinking a lot, I literally passed out, outside the bar in a sticker patch.  My sugars were already out of control so I didn't figure drinking could do much more harm. -This was all before I was on insulin and diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic

Me and some friends last summer at the bar. 

I had done really well with my drinking and don't really go out much part of which is due to the fact that my boyfriend doesn't go out too much and we choose to stay in together instead.  At the end of January was when my doctor had informed me that I most likely will be unable to have children, and they started me on a new insulin which ran my sugars high and my emotions on overload.  The weekend after my appointment Russell and I had been fighting for days and decided to go out with some friends.  Before we left with our friends we had yet another stupid fight and that night I decided to not feel anything.  It was literally the most drunk I have ever been, I can't even tell you everything I drank.  It was also the first time I had been this drunk after being on a 24hr insulin.  I puked ALL NIGHT LONG and by 4:30 in the morning I felt so weak that I knew something was wrong and suddenly it hit me, I can't keep anything down and have long acting insulin in me, my sugar is dropping and is going to continue to.  I was terrified.  Yes at the age of 24 I called my mom and she told me we would probably have to go to the ER.  I work at the hospital and was ashamed of myself and what I had done to myself, now my co-workers are going to have to see me in this state and see what I had done.  Mom asked me why I drank so much and and I told her it was because I wanted to be a normal 24yr old and not feel anything for once.  She was very understanding and took me home where I was able to keep toast down and I didn't ended up going to ER. Russell took very good care of me that night and even checked my blood sugar while I was passed out.

After that night I learned what drinking with diabetes will do to you and your pancreas.  I would say it was the wake up call I needed.  I have learned fun does not revolve around drinking and you can be in social situations and not be hammered it isn't what life is all about. I went from drinking a couple beers a week to it now tasting too sweet.  I wouldn't change my high school years for anything and now see what an emotional drinker I am and am hopefully maturing and find a different way to get my emotions out safely.  I am not saying underage drinking is a good thing or something everyone should experience it is just something I chose to do in my life and I don't regret it.

Casually drinking with some friends at a wedding dance in February